Life… This Is Not What I Expected

Eleven years ago I didn’t have a care in the world. Eleven years ago I was a know-it-all high school student that was getting ready for what I thought was going to be the biggest event in my life. Graduation.

It was going to change everything. I’d be an ‘adult’ and would be ruling the world. I’d be free to do whatever I wanted -whenever I wanted. Forget about prom. The regret and sadness from never going was quickly fading away. Of course as friends got their film developed I was reminded of how lonely I really was. (Yes – I said developed. For those of you that don’t know it’s a process of using chemicals to get images off of film)

Senior year changed a lot in my life. I spent a lot of time in my own brain consumed by darkness and the events in my own world. I went down the path to suicide. Even counted all the pills in the house wondering if there was enough to kill me or would they just make me throw up. I spent time off of school calling my mother every thirty minutes letting her know I was still alive.

I had to tell my sister why I was going to be home off of school for a while. I think this is the conversation that took me from the cool untouchable big sister to shamed small fry in her eyes. Even though we had a bonding moment that day in our ‘blue robin’ car it was a day that forever changed the family dynamic.

Fast forward to today and this is so not what I expected – may not expected but had dreams about in my own fantasy world. The picture perfect life with a successful husband that dressed in suits and had a 9 to 5′er. A perfect two and a half story house that was as white as freshly bleached and sunned laundry with a bright red door. Our 2.5 kids – one boy and one girl – playing with the Labrador we’ve had since the day we found out we were pregnant with our first in the fenced in yard.

You know the typical American dream.

Not so much. Today my life is lived with a husband that can’t get past his own brick walls to see how truly amazing he is – and I’m right there behind it with him. Three boys that make me smile, cry, laugh and ache with love all in the same moment. A little Shih Tzu that thinks she’s Queen Elizabeth and as close to a daughter as I’ll ever get. (Sorry for all the little doggy dresses…) An apartment with as far as you can get from a pretty red front door – in fact it’s color is the perfect representation on how I feel most days lately. Gray. Dingy. In need of a major face-lift.

Yet, in some strange way it all works. At the end of the day after prayers have been said. Hugs and kisses have been handed out and taken up with a butterfly heart. The counter is wiped clean and the trucks are picked up so no late night “DOH” are happening. It’s then that I lay in bed and thank the Lord for my husband that loves me more then I love myself. For my oldest, Dinker, that is smarter then his own good and sweeter then the loveliest of honey. My middle, Giggles, that with one widening of his big brown eyes can melt the coldest of hearts. My youngest, Chunky, with his sweet smell and his soft voice calms me with just one little “Mommy.”

This is not what I expected - but so much more.